Thursday, April 9, 2009

Boiling Point: Reached.

I’m having major issues right now. Like, verywellcouldbe shingle-inducing anxiety over this, over HER.
My mother-in-law is wearing my patience very, very thin.

Honey, if you don’t want to read about your mother…about this… you should stop reading here, now.

She’s wiggin’ out on me, man. I can’t talk to her without her crying and being upset about us getting married on Saturday. Talk about a major buzzkill. Thank God she lives in Texas. I can only imagine coming home from work each night to her sitting outside in her car, or on the doorstep, or worse yet, on the couch, wanting to vent. Wanting me to “be understanding” of her heinous attitude and being so ridiculously callous and rude about the whole thing. She’s pissed off. Angry. Hurt. Sad. Upset. She’s waited 35 years to see her son get married and ::poooof!:: he got married and she wasn’t there to witness it. And how dare we be so selfish? So inconsiderate? How dare we not think of anyone else, and only of ourselves? How dare an invitation not be extended to her, to traipse down to the County Assessor’s Office with us, for the whole 30 minutes we were there? The questions don’t cease. And they’re the same questions every. single. time. I talk to her.

Today? Today though…it was bad. Today she told me to get off my high horse. To validate her feelings. To quit being so selfish and stop and think about the impact this is having on her. She told me she feels as though she’s grieving a death. A DEATH, she said! Is she comparing our marriage to a funeral? Is it really that terrible? That terrible that her son, who has been searching for his ‘perfect woman’ for the past 5 years, has finally found her and is so happy and excited and delighted to commit the rest of his life to her and only her? And that her son’s wife feels the exact same way about him?


I told her today that I was tired of discussing this at length with her every time we get on the phone. And that I don’t want to talk about it anymore. And then, it was back to me being inconsiderate and not validating her feelings. And that she wants to talk about it still, to vent. That she’s not done being pissed off and angry, hurt and sad and upset. That I just need to listen to her. And validate her feelings. But I’m done. I’m done listening. I’m done. She’s putting a huge dent into our relationship, hers and mine, and pretty soon, it’s going to crack. And I don’t want that. I want a relationship with her…a GOOD one. And I don’t want her relationship with Matt to be damaged because of her actions and words and conversations with me. And it’s headed there. And fast.

I told Matt today that I do not want to have contact with his mother until she has calmed down and is no longer feeling as though she’s “mourning a death.” I refuse to answer her calls, or to call her. I can’t do it. Because if I do, I’m going to lose my cool and say some things that I really don’t want to say. I know me. I can be a hot-head…and I feel myself boiling.

Please, be honest…am I out of line here? Being insensitive? Rude? Selfish?


  1. no, no and no. this is YOUR marriage. It has nothing to do with her. She will see you get married in Aug with everyone else. She is the one being insensitive and rude and selfish. she should be thrilled for you guys. i would have lost patience with this far before you have. I dont think there is anything you can do but wait this out. I am actually kinda surprised you guys even told her, if this was even possibly a reaction. Wow.

  2. I don't think you are being selfish by not having her there at all. Your mother wasn't there either, was she? I think you guys are being open and honest with her about it happening earlier than (Aug), you could have very well hid it from her. She needs to be respectful that this is what you both wanted and that your reception in Aug is to include family in the vows. BTW, it sounds like you are handling the situation very well.

  3. I agree with Lori and Rachael. I can understand her being upset, but like you said, you guys were there for 30 minutes. What is the point of that? If it were me, I would rather have my mother-in-law (and everyone else) at the wedding in August where it's going to be a more formal affair, not just standing at the courthouse.

    Years ago, my friends were scheduled to get married in July, but then they found out she was pregnant in like, March, so they went and did the same thing you did, just so she could get on his insurance and get the pre-natal care. And in July, they had an awesome wedding!

    Matts mom is overreacting, and personally, I would rather have witnessed the August ceremony if I were in her shoes.


  4. Oh man, poor thing! You know what, this woman reminds me of someone who overreacts to things because she makes it about her but then realizes later that there are WAY bigger things to get worked up over.

    I mean, in my opinion....big Fucking deal that you guys got the legal aspect are still DOING EVERYTHING ELSE COMPLETELY TRADITIONAL!!! What the hell is the big deal.

    Ten years from now she is going to look like the biggest idiot for freaking out about this....especially becuase what the hell were you going to do, have her come from TEXAS for a whopping 30 minute ceremony!!! Give me a break.

    You are completely in the right babe....and on that note, I know you and I am personally acquainted with the temper...your decision to back away and let things simmer is a good one. The last thing you want is a wedge driven in between you and him with a big fat label on it that says "MOM"!!!

    Hang in there toots! Be happy and blissful in your new marriage as you should be! ;)

  5. I think thats just the way moms feel about their sons... tough for her!
    You did what you felt was best Sarah - and a marriage is between you and him - nobody else has any say in that.

  6. I missed this before- but her comment of "mourning a death" was completely rude and absurd.

    I've given this a little more thought and I am not trying to be mean or judgmental- please don't take this wrong. I am giving my honest opinion...

    I totally believe that this your deal- your wedding, your life- you should be able to celebrate your love and your wedding how you wish.

    However, I think you guys have contradicted yourselves a bit here. You seem like you are trying to follow some tradition... observing from your comments about traditional values and not feeling right about the pre-marital cohabitation.

    Yet everything thus far has contradicted tradition... the courthouse marriage, having a friend officiate (assuming he is not a Pastor?), being married 5 months prior to the ceremony.

    I am not condoning your MIL's behaviour AT ALL, but you guys have spotlighted this traditional aspect, yet excluded her from the initial vow taking. And to say you want to include your family and friends, yet be married for months prior to the ceremony- I can understand why some people would be hurt/bothered by it, as I have witnessed it first hand.

    If I were to ever want to get married, I would do it this way (elope then maybe reception) because I feel that this is unconventional and untraditional, which is why I am confused why you guys opted for this.

    Again- I don't know your plans for Aug, but at this point I don't see why you guys don't just have a reception rather than a second wedding.

    But ultimately, it's your wedding and everyone should respect your wishes.

    *sorry if my typing is inconsistent, Im posting from my iphone.

  7. I'm not sure I see the connection regarding your statement about Matt and I contradicting ourselves?

    Religion is important to both Matt & I and it is a big part of our relationship. Neither of us were interested in cohabiting prior to marriage, and this is something we had discussed at length with one another throughout the dating phase of our relationship. Sure, I did it previously. But I NEVER felt right about it. And I also wasn't in a relationship with another Christian, so that makes a huge difference right there.

    Since I moved in 3 weeks ago, we've both not felt right about living together and not being married. I don't think either of us had any idea how much of an impact that would have on us until I had actually moved in and got settled. Then, it hit us both and we talked about how we would both feel much better if we were married...hence the reason we decided to be legally married 4 months before the scheduled wedding.

    The friend of ours who is officiating the ceremony is not a pastor. He is a good friend who happened to introduce us and who we attend church with. I'm not sure what the big deal about having a non-pastor marry us is, as this is a very commonplace practice. I could see your point here, should we have opted to marry in a place of worship, but that was not and has never been in our plans.

    The initial vow taking was for Matthew and I, for the reasons listed above and the reasons listed in my original blog post. NO ONE was invited. This was between Matthew, myself and God. The wedding in August is when we will repeat our vows (call it a 'renewal of vows' if that makes you feel better) in front of our friends and family. This is when we commit our lives to one another in front of them. We've already committed our lives to one another during the ceremony we just had.

    It is important to us for our friends and family to witness this. Had we not told a single soul, NO ONE would have been any wiser. But we chose to inform our friends and family of our decision, both because we couldn't contain our excitement and happiness and because we felt it only right for everyone to know.

    I don't get why *anyone* would be hurt by this. I could completely understand how someone would be hurt if we had gone to the courthouse, got married, called off the wedding in August and said, "Whoops! Sorry! No vows for you to witness...too bad, so sad!" I'd get it, then. But even at's still *our* choice. Call me selfish, but those are my thoughts.

    But see, Rachael, you're missing the point here, which is why you see this as being 'unconventional and nontraditional.' I am a practicing Christian. Matthew is a practicing Christian. We attend church together on Sunday. We pray before we eat our meals. We pray before bedtime together. We pray with one another before something big--a test, an interview, a funeral. We pray about big decisions we have to make, or when we're going through a rough time in our own relationship. Our relationship is based on our beliefs as Christians. Thus, living together before marriage is NOT acceptable to either of us, and when we realized the impact of me moving in had on our hearts, we did what WE felt was the right thing. The "traditional" thing. And in August, we'll once again do the "traditional" thing of renewing our vows in front of our friends and family and having a celebration afterward of the awesome commitment we've made to one another.

  8. You're obviously offended by what I said, by the defensive tone. I am not bashing you- or Matthew for your decision. I am not judging you. And I am certainly not going to get into a religious or moral debate. I simply don't understand it. Which is fine.

    What is most important is that you and Matthew are doing what you feel is right for YOU and what makes YOU happy :)

    I am of course happy for you. You had asked for an honest opinion and that's what I gave. Like I said before, I was in a wedding recently with a very similar situation and experienced first hand the effect it had on family & friends. I never said I agree with them being upset, I just said I understood. But it's your choice.
    I'm sorry that it hit a nerve, or wasn't what you wanted to hear.

  9. I wouldn't have posted this in my blog if I wasn't wanting to hear peoples opinions and thoughts on the idea.

    And my 'tone' wasn't defensive--it was just matter-of-fact and to the point. I'm not offended nor am I upset by your comments...I got your opinion, which is what I was looking for!


  10. Well, since you asked ...

    Of course I think you're right about everything. And if this wasn't your mother-in-law we were talking about, I'd say she can take her opinions and mourning and shove it where the sun don't shine. Or, if I were in a particularly empathetic mood, I'd tell her that she needs to vent to someone else. But since she IS your mother-in-law, I would tell her this:
    "I am sorry that you are feeling so hurt and upset about this. I am not sorry for what we did, because it was the right thing for us to do. But I am sorry that you feel sad and left out and I would like to try to find a way to include you in our marriage because we're family and I want us feel like a family. I feel like I am and have validated your feelings. What exactly can I say or do that would make you feel better about this?"
    And have that conversation. Then I would say, "Now that I have listened to you and tried to understand your perspective, I need you to listen to me and try for a second to see things from my point of view. I just got married. I am ecstatic to be your son's wife. And I know you feel like I was being selfish. And maybe I was. But I won't apologize for that because I feel like I should be able to be wed the way Matt and I thought was right for us. We are married now, and I would really like for you and since I have made an honest effort to hear your opinion and have tried to validate those feelings, I would like for you to try to move past the hurt, or at least put it aside just for a minute and congratulate us. I know you don't approve of how we did it, but please make some effort to acknowledge some part of this as a happy event."

    Honestly Sarah, I know you and, while I am on your side, I can see why she might feel like her feelings aren't being validated. And I think if you do that -- really make an attempt to communicate to her that you understand why she's feeling the way she is, then hopefully she will stop bringing it up every time she talks to you. She's only don't that because she feels like you haven't REALLY listened to her yet. And actually, once you do that, you may not even need to say the rest of it and it will probably go better if you don't, you know. So, while I think you are totally in the right, I also think this woman is family now. And if nothing else, out of love for Matt, just try to make peace with the woman. Even if you have to go out of your way a bit to do it.


What do you think?

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