Friday, July 17, 2009

Let's Be Honest, Here.

Working 40+ hours per week, planning a "wedding," taking 14 units in an 8 week summer semester and being married? It's hard. Like, really hard. Like, meltdown madness has ensued for the past few weeks hard. I've been a nightmare to be around, let alone live with. It is purely by God's grace that my husband is, by choice, still married to me. Because if I were him with the way that I've been acting the past few weeks? I dunno, man. I think I may have taken a 2 week vacation, all alone. Bless that man. Seriously. He has the patience of a saint.

Stressor #1: Work has been sucking. I mean, the work part itself is fine. But the fact that we are constantly out of money and are barely able to make payroll every two weeks has me worried. Big time. I'm afraid I'm going to be laid off (again) any day now. I'm not sure how my boss can continue to operate the business for much longer. The economy is really hitting her hard.

Stressor #2: The faux-wedding. Actually, it's not so much that it's a stressor, as much as it just feels as though it's this huge thing hanging over me, waiting...waiting...waiting. Everything is planned. All I have left to do is make the escort cards (which are doubling as the favors), get my dress steamed and get final numbers to the vendors (cake, caterer, party rentals). Everything else is taken care of and now we're just playing the waiting game. T-minus 15 days! I think I would be way more excited if we weren't already married...

Stressor #3: School. Chemistry is kicking my ass. I was doing great until this second test and then, I don't know what happened. I got an A on the first quiz and test. I got a C on the second quiz. And I failed--straight up FAILED the second test. I've never failed a test in my life. I got my test score, picked up my backpack and belongings and left lecture, crying all the way home. (I know, right? A 26-year old crying about a failed Chemistry exam? Grow up). If I want to get into the nursing program, a C in this class is NOT going to cut it. I was aiming for an A. How'd THIS happen?! Ugh. My other classes--the ones I'm taking online--those are going pretty well. Time consuming and lots of senseless busy work, but they're going well. I believe I have an A in all three of them. Go me.

Stressor #4: Marriage. It's tough work, folks. Sure, most of the time it's sunshine and rainbows, puppies and kittens, stars and hearts. But the other times? The other times it's thunderstorms and rainclouds, lions and tigers, skulls and crossbones. Okay...maybe not thatbad. I guess I'm slightly exaggerating. But regardless, it is hard. A lot harder than anyone prepared me for, or told me it would be. But who wants to tell someone who is in the midst of engagement glow or pre-wedded bliss that, hey, by the way, marriage is really hard and it kicks your ass some days, right? Well, I wish someone would have told me. Things are good, we're not in any sort of marital dissonance. But when you add the other stressors above to our already limited time together? It can make for some miscommunications and frustrating situations.

I woke up this morning feeling refreshed in spirit (ha- definitely NOT in body...I am exhausted!) Obviously, with everything that is going on in our lives right now, I've been feeling turmoil and disarray within my soul. I'm feeling pulled in many directions, but, of course, do not have the resources to explore each direction. I'm finding myself putting off church on Sunday so that I can do homework, or so that I can catch up on sleep or housework. And when that starts happening, I start feeling this brewing inside of me. This darkening of my soul and my spirit. And that is when the other Sarah--the one I despise and like to keep locked away-- comes out in full force. And that is what my husband experienced over the weekend of his Bachelor party. Poor guy.

Anyway, I left class last night and felt like life--like God was throwing me a curveball. I asked him what it was he was trying to show me or tell me. And I got no answer. I went to bed last night frustrated and broken in spirit. And then I awoke feeling refreshed in spirit and whole. I dragged myself to work, droopy eyes and cloudy head, and sat at my computer, trying to figure out what needed to be done today, at minimum, for me to keep my job. I opened up a browser window and went to an online Bible site I use when I don't have access to a Bible. And I found Psalm 34:4- "I sought the Lord and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears." BAM. That was it. He finally spoke to me. Or, maybe, I finally listened. But that was it! He is telling me that all of these things I am stressing about, all of these things I allow to take over my thoughts and control my decisions...these are things that I need to give to HIM and allow HIM to handle and once I do that, HE will make sure that his will is done. That I need to seek him out, give it up to him and he will answer me and put my fears at ease.

And guess what? My fears? My stressors? My worries and my negative thoughts? Gone. Every single one of them. And just like my blog title--Que sera, sera.

8 comments:

  1. I've been there.... about things being too much... and there have most definitely been times when I've prayed that its too much, I just can't do this anymore, I need help to carry all this weight... and then I feel better.

    It can be that easy.

    I know we're very different in many ways, you're married, I'm eternally single, but we're both working towards similar goals, and I have a feeling we're both where we're supposed to be. If life were all sunshine and puppy dogs, we couldn't really grow, we wouldn't be able to good spouses (well, me hopefully in the future), good parents, good nurses. Kinda like lifting weights - gotta feel the burn to build the muscle!

    And remember that God never gives us more than we can handle.

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  2. Ps - my blog is back! Turns out I lose it if I don't have a place to vent.

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  3. You are the second person this week I've read that has found comfort in prayer/God/church, all that stuff. Has me thinking maybe it's time to go back.

    Hugs!

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  4. I can relate to you 500%, girl!

    Besides being stressed with school (but I don't work...bless your soul for doing that!), I felt God's silence as well. This week was like a lightbulb went on. I was reading Max Lucado's book "A Gentle Thunder" (GREAT BOOK!) and just felt like I was getting a big hug from our creator. He loves us and cares for us and asks us to cast our burdens on him. Seems pretty simple if you ask me. But it's funny how we resist such an amazing gift! At least, I do!

    Hang in there! If you're like me, you're almost done with this semester :)

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  5. Hey -- I was looking at you checklist and ... I think you and Matt should take a road trip up my way and come up to Squamish with me! Then you can kill 3 birds with 1 stone: roadtrip, get into climbing, and travel outside your country!

    Just a thought. I hope you upcoming wedding goes well.

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  6. Oh, and I think you're absolutely crazy for working full time and going to school full time at the same time. But I've always thought that and you've always managed to make it work. I think you're doubly nuts for trying to do all that and plan a wedding at the same time. But I guess you know what you're capable of. I still think you're cray.

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  7. Pssssst....you look beautiful in that wedding dress! :)

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