Monday, September 14, 2009

The Not-So-Fun Part of Being Married

I got an email from Mr. Lukie saying that some of the guys from the fire station are going on a mountain biking trip October 4th-8th, and asked for my thoughts on him going. My first, immediate response was, "Sure, why not? Sounds like it'd be a fun little getaway for the hubs."

But, being the smart, Type-A gal that I am, I decided to check our calendar to make sure nothing important was going on during that time. And this is how our calendar looks:

October 1: He works a 24 hour shift.
October 2: He is off.
October 3: He works a 24-hour shift (a time trade he got stuck with).
October 4, 5, 6, 7, 8: He "tentatively" on a mountain biking trip with the guys.
October 9: He is off.
October 10, 11, 12: He is working a 72-hour shift (one of those days being another time trade he got stuck with).
October 13: He is off.
October 14: He works a 24-hour shift.

So. My dilemma is as follows. In the course of 14 days, I will see my husband for 2 days. (2, because the 13th is on a Tuesday night, which means I'll be in class until 10pm).

I don't want to be the bitchy, needy wife. But. I just don't know how I feel about this. I'm leaving the decision up to him--because frankly, I don't know what else to do.

This is the part about being married that really, really sucks. And, the part about being a Fireman's Wife that isn't so fun.

What would you do?


  1. Ok, this is wise old Cheryl talking because previous Cheryl may not have seen it this way.....

    It took me several days to meet my male landlord (the husband of a married couple, who happens to be a doctor that gets called in outside of his office hours). He was just never home... always at work. He's now currently on a big kayaking trip and has been gone for a few days (perhaps since Friday? And its Monday now, no sign of him). My female landlord is in school with her masters, so she has her practicum, courses to go to and study for, and various other social events and clubs that occur when one is active and active in the community.

    I can imagine the time they get to spend together is fairly limited, but they seem brilliantly happy with each other.

    I guess the way you can see it (not should, but can), is that you have until your dying day to spend with your husband. You may need some cozy lovey dovey time, a shoulder to lean on, someone to snuggle with, a bud to hang out with - but remember that he's only one person and he needs his "me" time too. Be careful not to fall into the trap where all your emotional needs are placed on one person because no one - no matter how fanastic he is - can handle that. I know you know all of this, but see this as an opportunity for your husband - who you want to be happy and in love with life and himself in order to be able to love you - to come back refreshed, revitalized and OH so much more appreciative of the hot and devoted wife he has.

    I know how hard it is to see the bigger picture when you're placing your needs first (as you should) but he also has to place his needs first... and sometimes, that means time without you so he can collect his thoughts, ground himself, and find a place where he can be an even better amazing husband and friend.

    Thats just my take on it though :)

  2. PS - Expect even more of this when you have the infamous 12 hour, four days on, four days off, four nights on... career.... Think of it as practice!

  3. I feel ya sister. There was a point when Jim was taking every over time shift he could get and it was interfering with our time. At first I didn't say anything but just got an attitude and all bitchy on him. Finally, I just told him that even though I'm not needy, there are times when I DO want to spend time with my husband. I really hated feeling like a single girl sleeping alone every night when I knew he could be with me. He understood and now we've balanced it out. There are times he's away for a while [like right now...just came home from a 48 yesterday and is back at the station today] but I can get over it because I know he knows how I feel.

    If I were you, I'd just let it slide but tell him you hate being away from him so long. That way the next time something like this comes up, he'll consider the entire situation.

  4. Hmmm, hard question for me since I work with my husband and am rarely without him. And love it that way! I also have a weird husband who does not really do "friend events" in that usually anything to do with guys, I am invited, etc.

    Saying that, if he is asking about going, I would say he really wants to go. And if he does, I would encourage it. I would then fill my free time with girls dinners with my friends, time for me for stuff, i.e. massages, pedis, whatever, maybe try something new and fun. Maybe take a quick trip myself someplace to visit my Mom or whatever. It is hard for me to be away from Kurt for even ONE overnight, so I just try to fill the void with something.

    Maybe explain to him that if he gets 4 days off in the future, you would love the next time to be spent with the two of you doing something fun, but you are kewl with the boys trip. :).


  5. I would tell him to go have a good time.

    My friend is married to a neurosurgery resident who is halfway through the 6 year program, and she's a mortician who is on call every other weekend. It's not uncommon for them to see each other as little as 2 days (or even less) in a week or two, but it's a sacrifice they know will be over eventually, so they make it work.

    The next time he has a few days off, you guys should plan some stuff just for the two of you.

    Plus, there is the phone, text, e-mail, etc., so you'll still be able to connect every day, even if it's not physically being together.

  6. Oh I hate when things fall like this. It's always how it will happen though!

    Truly, I would end up letting him go. I'd be so happy he was biking again. He hasn't gone in over 3 years because half his old biking buddies smoke pot and he won't risk his job being around it.

    I'm a martyr and he'd go. BUT, I hope I would set time aside for a trip just the two of us or something special for myself at least when it calmed down.

  7. I'm probably not the most normal person in the world, but I am of the opinion that when you love someone, you have to love them doing the things they love -- even if they have to sometimes love those things without you. What happened with my independent friend Sarah? You'll be fine on your own for a while. You've got your whole life to spend together. Tell him to go!!

  8. I think you're doing the right thing in letting him make the decision. However, if he decides to go, you can't hold that against him. It is good to be able to get away and have a girls weekend/ guys weekend. You'll go through those spells of barely seeing each other, but it makes the times when you do see each other (a lot) even sweeter.

    I love being with my husband, but I also LOVE having time to myself if he wants to go hang out with the guys. I know it's a lot of days, but maybe on the days you will see each other try to do something nice with one another.


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