Tuesday, September 22, 2009


I had a bit of a meltdown tonight. (I know, "Another one?" you're thinking. "Didn't she just have one at the beginning of summer?")

I'm entitled to my meltdowns, dammit. Especially since they are few and far between. And miniature.

Long story short, I am withdrawing from my Anatomy class. I can't hang. I'm in over my head. I have been slacking off and not taking the class seriously. Not reading, not studying, leaving after lecture & not staying for lab. I realized it tonight, that there is no way I'm going to do well in this class, based on how I've started off. So, after lots of mascara running down my cheeks, snot infused nostrils and hugs from one very supportive Mr. Lukie, I decided I needed to withdraw.

I'm mad and frustrated with myself. I feel like I'm being tested right now, by the man upstairs. I haven't felt as though I'm being tested--not this strongly, at least--many times in my life. But this? This is God quite bluntly saying to me, "GIVE UP! Give *me* the control. Quit trying to control every aspect of your life! Be humble. Be patient. Be FAITHFUL." And my tears and frustration and being upset? That was me, throwing a temper tantrum at God. "No, Lord! I don't *want* to give up control! I don't care what you tell me, I'm not! I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!"

And my cleared head, calmed heart, assured soul? That is me, saying to Him, "Okay, God. You're right. YOU are in control. I need to stop trying to control every aspect of my life. I am humbled before you and will be patient, faithful. Your will be done."

Next comes the exciting part...waiting to see what, exactly, He has in store for me. Why this test, at this time.

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