Friday, February 19, 2010

Insecurity is Like Bacteria

It starts out inconspicuously. No one knows it's there, not even you. 

Then, it multiplies. 

And it multiplies again. 

You begin to feel something but you aren't sure what it is. 

It multiplies once more. 

Suddenly, you know what the problem is. You know what that uncomfortable feeling is deep down in your soul. That ache. The torment. The self-defeating thoughts and the waiting on edge, day in and day out, anticipating your turn to witness these thoughts come to life and take over. To do exactly as you have played out in your head time and time again. You know it will happen, it's just a matter of time. It always wins.

You also know what needs to be done to kill this bacteria. This self-loathing, this destruction.

But who wants to go through all of that pain? All of that work? Swallowing pill after pill, day after day, waiting for the first sign of immunity. Then, those thoughts creep back in, somehow. Slowly at first, and then BAM! It's a full force attack on your soul.

You know how you got to this place, but you can't figure out how to leave it behind. How to seek immunity, once and for all, from this bacteria that attacks your very being, at the core. You're tired of fighting it, struggling with it. You're ready to relinquish and be free, once again. But...how?

How do you deal with feelings of insecurity and those self-deprecating thoughts? This is something I have been battling, silently, for one year now, and I just want to be done with it. I need to be done with it. And I'm pretty sure I know where I need to start, but I don't know how to start. 
Does that even make sense?

12 comments:

  1. Makes perfect sense. One thing that really helped me put insecurities and "self image" into perspective, was realizing just how selfish the entire concept is. Girl, who we are is defined by only one thing. Christ. The ultimate goal of human nature is to glorify and build up self when Christ clearly states we are nothing but filthy rags without Him. Once I started to delve into this, I realized...it doesn't matter WHAT people think about me. It doesn't matter WHO likes me. It just flat out doesn't matter, because like it or not, it's not about me... Whew, which isn't easy to swallow. But you know, it really takes a lot of weight off your shoulders. We can't have victory if we don't surrender first. Seems kind of opposite, but when the spirit and the flesh war together, that's how it has to be. We must surrender our spirit to the Holy Spirit, and therein lies the victory.

    I recently went through something similar with feelings I had about a friend who always seemed to need to one-up me in everything. I struggled so much with feelings of bitterness, and I can relate with the metaphor you used. I knew what I needed to do to get over it, but who wants to do that. Immunity requires your immune system must first battle the bug so to speak. I seriously had to seek the face of God about the matter, because it was eating me up. God gave me a compassion that I didn't have prior, and my mindset has changed in so many ways. Does it mean I'm immune to those prickly stabs that are still thrown out on a regular basis? No, but I do know how to use my shield a little better. And the wounds heal a lot quicker than they used to. Some days are easier. Some days my immune system is lower. But there is still victory in the situation. Seek Him, friend! Lay down your burden, stop carrying it around, surrender it to Christ and rest in the fact that who you are is first and foremost in HIM.

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  2. I understand where you're coming from... I have struggled with insecurity and inferiority quite a lot over the past couple years. I totally believe that the only thing I need to be defined by is Christ, but so often it's hard to lose sight of that in the day-to-day stuff and I end up feeling with a wilted flower being blown away in the wind & rain. I pray, I cry to my husband about it, and I pray some more. My strength has to come from him and him alone. I have been "fearfully & wonderfully made" and nobody has the right to make me feel otherwise. Hang in there girl.

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  3. I don't know...but when you figure it out, let me know.

    If you need to talk, I'm here for you!

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  4. You know whats funny, is that i just spent the last two hours watching youtube videos on how to apply makeup, and I spent about three hours last night searching for "ethnic" looking models.

    I was just about to put my computer away since it just seems like a LOT of work to apply makeup to contour and shape and shadow and everything else that will make me look more "beautiful" (read: Caucasian), and my final thought was, man, I wish I could just be pretty like Sarah is.

    I know we've talked about this, but I wish you could see your beauty - the beauty that photographers, friends, family, and your husband sees. I think a good question would be for you, what do you think is blocking you from seeing your beauty? What is different about how you see yourself and the world that it distorts what everyone else sees?

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  5. What a great post, girl! Every women from Julia Roberts to Angelina Jolie struggles with it they just have money to try to "fix" there "blemishes"... but they never truly fix what is within them. What I do... is everytime I have a thought of - self pity, insecurity, doubt, etc (this goes with everything)... I say a prayer..

    "Your love, God."
    "Your peace, God"
    "Your kindness, God, etc"

    Prayer helps me... Look to God not to our selves...

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  6. Totally makes sense and it is a daily battle for me too. Just take one day at a time, surrender those thoughts to God, and turn every negative thought into a positive one. When you start feeling this way - get out, call someone, pray, do anything to not get into the mood! You can do it love. XO!

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  7. JUST had this convo with my best friend the other day. We tend to be insecure about our looks, our weight, our self worth. Which is just ridiculous, we know this (she is Brazilian and beautiful). We know we are both smart, beautiful, talented women with a lot to offer-- yet we are so critical on ourselves and create so much anxiety around how others perceive us.
    Not sure that the answer is, but it must be in the air.

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  8. I go through phases in my life...wish i could day that it has gone away for me. Lately, I have found blogging feeds on my insecurity. Not enough to make me want to stop...but bothersome for sure.

    I think it has to do with my pride and wanting to be perfect. Wanting people to see me in positive light.

    Yep, this has been really eating at me for a few weeks.

    Sorry you are going through a tough time with it.

    ~Julie

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  9. Oh, I TOTALLY understand! Its such a battle for me too. Sending prayers your way that you figure out how to break the cycle, and please share with us if you do!

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  10. Thank-you for posting this.... (see my blog entry from last week, and you'll see I have the same feelings.) Seems I have doubt on pretty much every aspect of my life these days.

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  11. TONS of sense.... And the how?? (Always easier said than done...), just take that first step... Put one foot in front of the other.... You know the where... Keep running to Your Father. :)

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  12. That was very vague to me... I'm not sure what this is about, but good luck!

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