Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Wedded Wednesday - Friends & Marriage

Wedded Wednesday is a collaboration
of married bloggers sharing their inspirations,
anecdotes, struggles and thoughts regarding
the amazing union of two separate people, as one.

I've never been one to have a lot of girlfriends, but rather a handful of very close, very treasured girlfriends. Since Mr. Lukie and I have been married, I have gotten together with these girlfriends for lunch or dinner, coffee or wine. And while it's nice to catch up, I tend to drive home feeling like things are just totally different than they used to be. 

I ask myself if they've changed or if I've changed. Why is it that the relationships seem to require so much more work now, and when we do get together, the conversation isn't all that stimulating? I've come to realize that they really haven't changed--it's me that has changed. My life has changed. That is to be expected in marriage--my priorities are much different now than they were 2 years ago. I'm not in the same place in life as they are (and rightfully so! I wouldn't expect them to want to be at home by 6pm to get a hot meal on the table for their roommate...)

This isn't to say that I don't still enjoy my friends company & miss having them be such an important part of my life. I love them just the same and still think they are wonderful people. It's just...different now. Not in a bad way, not in a good way. Just different.

Tell me, has marriage changed your friendships (good or bad)? Do you have more "couple" friends that you hang out with now as opposed to your "single" friends?


  1. Good post!! I think relationships have changed a little bit just because we get involved in married things at church and met more couples so we do a lot more "couples" dates. But we still have our "girl nights" and "guy nights" twice or three times a month.

  2. We still hang out with our single friends individually every now and then, but it is different because, like you said, we're not in the same place in life now. But we also have some couple friends that we hang out with together, and I think that's important.

  3. A lot of my friends are still single and we get together from time to time. In fact, my two old college roommates are still single and we have an absolute blast when we get togeher. It's a riot laughing about old times and it's really the only time I get dressed up and head out for a drink. On the flipside, I also have "friends" who are single and still into drama which I'm done with. I know it sounds insensitive but I can't stand the drama that goes along with dating and sometimes I just wish my friends would realize most men aren't worth it and move on. I'm not too sensitive to that anymore...unfortunately :(

    Plus, I've made some great friendships with ladies who are just like me - 20's, married and loving life :) And Jim has introduced me to a ton of couples who I now consider friends.

  4. While I'm not married or in a relationship, I thought I'd chime in with my perspective :)

    I have lost many girlfriends to "coupledom". A friend meets a guy and gets so absorbed in her new life with her new relationship that she entirely drops off the map, abandons her friends, only to resurface months down the road when things go bad, and expects her friends to run by her side to pick up the pieces. Or I have friends who, now that they are either married or in serious relationships, just let their friendships drift. Again, I don't know what it's like to have someone to come home to every day, but I do know what it's like to have an amazing group of girlfriends that are there for me, that I travel with, have dinner with, hang out with and just talk to, and one day, I hope I have the best of both worlds. I fully intend on ditching my husband to go on a girls only trip, I'll still keep up with the monthly dinners that we have, no boys allowed, and I hope I will always have the great group of friends that I do now, husband or not.

  5. good question!! All of my girlfriends are married. I tend to just gravitate towards other married women. I had some single friends but noticed that they quit calling me about 6 or so months after my wedding. It's ok I've learned that some friendships are seasonal and some last a lifetime. I've got friends now that I know would stick with me through anything :)

  6. We have couple friends but usually only hang out at weddings or parties. My husband has a group of guy friends he gets together with for hunting trips. I still keep in touch with my closest girlfriends from HS or college (some single & some married). I've never really had a group of friends that all hang out together. My closest friends are mostly individual relationships and for the most part marriage hasn't changed them. Maybe just our conversation topics! : ) Many of my friends are newlyweds or new moms so it's easy to continue to relate to one another. My closest friend (college roommate) actually is single and you would think our different lives would mean we no longer have anything in common. We live in different states but talk almost daily. We're each others therapy! I think it's different with everyone. But I've noticed that the good ones stick around no matter what changes life bring. I've made friends where I live now, all are other moms, and we get together with our kids occasionally. Life is about relationships and I think having a variety of them is a great thing. Being able to relate to one another and support each other helps bring out the best in all of us.

  7. If I were single, I am sure I would be hanging out with all of my friends more. But, like you, I prioritize my husband above pretty much everyone else, so if I have free time (which is really rare), I would just rather spend it with him. Plus, I dont consider him just my husband, he is also my best friend, and who wouldnt want to hang with their BFF all the time? I dont think marriage has changed my friendships though. Sometimes, people change, and have different interests, and sometimes, marriage and relationships make that happen. But, I pretty much am friends with people still from high school, as well as new people, and every time we hang out, I feel like the relationships are the same. Even if I have not seen someone in a long time, it's like no time has passed......

  8. Things have changed SO much for me in the past 10 years. My single friends, friends I had with my first marriage, friends I lost during my infertility, friends that stuck by me through a divorce and friends that are truly happy for my in my new life. I treasure those friends even though we don't have a lot in common, I can never replace them and their endless support. I value our differences. I have found a whole new life now and surround myself with close friends whom I can call on for anything. I wouldn't change it for anything.

  9. I have noticed that my in-person friends who are in long term relationships or married are different... but not in a bad way. In a way its nice, because they're the ones who I can go to about relationship stuff and have that objective opinion, rather than the usual single "woe is me" talks (which are still good at times too! Us singles need to lament once in awhile).

    I think its because they need me less. If they're having a bad day, they don't come to me. However they are still more than willing to be the ones I go to when I'm having a bad day, and thats what makes the friendship still work. How things will change when I'm finally married, who knows, but I hope that friendship is still strong, even if its not as present in my life.

  10. Definitely can relate...had lunch with a single friend today who was upset about some jealousy of a friend about her new relationship...I feel for her and I understand, but its different! I can't relate in the same way but still love her and want to talk with her like before. Its not bad, just different! And it has been fun to be able to give advise for them through my own experience as well. But at the end of the day there are relationships that will just always be there no matter what stage of life you are in:) What a blessing they are all along the way!
    Thanks for stopping by earlier and happy belated anniversary to you!

  11. I think friendships are constantly in a state of morphing. I still kept friends after I got married, though the first year I think was the biggest transition. The ones that hung in there, are the best ones. But, even then, I've had friends on the "same page" all the way through child bearing, and toddler growing that end up fizzling out because of comparison and insecurities. I've just come to the conclusion that friendships change. The truest of them all are there through everything, though. :) And they're few and far between!

  12. My friendships are always morphing into something new, different, sometimes its rocky and sometimes we pick up right where we left off. Those that stick through it all are the ones that will be there when you are 80! :)

  13. My relationships have changed over the past 15 year...especially after children. Brian and I are so often apart, between his schedule and my schedule, and often alone with the kids. When we have time off, our priority is to be with each other. Now that the kids are growing, and especially now that they are in school, I spend more time with my girlfriends. But when Brian is home, I rarely choose to be with my friends. Our time together is precious.

    Love this post :) ~Julie

  14. I'm in a long-term live-together relationship (almost 6 years) - and I have a good mix of single and married friends.

    The biggest changes I've noticed in my friendships is how everyone handles the new roles. Some friends are really respectful of everyone's relationships or children, and work hard to often include significant others/kids, while still making occasional girls-night or guys-night plans. It's important to have both.

    It's also important that people in new roles (wives, husbands, parents, the newly-single) keep a good balance. Don't ignore, look-down-on, or judge people who 'haven't changed' - we most notice that when *we've* changed! Everyone's allowed their own life path, on their own terms. It's whether or not they're a good friend that matters.

    I have one friend, and I love her, but her entire life now revolves around her husband. We miss her dearly. She leaves dinner plans early - always with an extra entree boxed up for him. She arrives late to events because of his choice of scheduling priorities, and hesitates to commit to any plans (lunch Saturday?) until she's run it by him first. Even if she knows they have nothing planned. It's so consistent that a lot of people have stopped asking her directly and say, "Well, ask your Husband if you can blahblahblah..".

    We do like her husband - but seeing such a change in her is very hard. She used to be the girl who was making the plans, who was always ready to do something - and now it's very uncomfortable to ask her to hang out.

  15. I think that when Jared and I were living in Minnesota we definitely spent more time with our married friends vs. single friends. Now that we are now in WV, and basically starting all over with our friendships I find myself hanging out pretty regularly with one or two girls from work on my own, vs. going out with a group of people where significant others are typically invited.

    I miss hanging out with our married friends, but think I definitely need time with my friends from work- away from Jared. As great as my husband is, he doesn't fully understand the stress of my job and it is nice to have people to vent to, that feel the same way as me.

    I think now, I also tend to make friends with people who are the more mature/professional type...before, the types of friends I made were all over the place and it was a lot of work to maintain those relationships. Now, it seems to be a lot easier.

    I tend to put Jared first...and I don't think that is ALWAYS a good thing. I probably need a little more balance.

  16. Things are different and your relationships will change. You no longer need your friends the same way. But the ones that make an effort are the friends worth keeping. I love my pre-married friends. They remind me of how much I have grown as a person and sometimes remind me of things I wanted in life. The little things I let slip over the years that I want to find again and share with my husband. We may not hang out the same ways but we talk about life and sometimes just talk about the past. We go weeks sometimes months without being able to utter more than a "hi" but then we pick up and are the best of friends when the time permits.

  17. I wondered how things would change for me and my girlfriends, but God worked everthing out and my two closest friends got married a little before and a little after me, so we all get together and talk about how wonderful our husbands are, how much as love married life, and good stuff to cook for dinner! :)
    I know it ends up differently for everybody, but I definitely consider myself blessed in that regard.

  18. I think it just depends on how tight you are with your friends. I know, with my group of friends, we have all been single, married, divorced, parents...all at different stages. And we see each other the same amount of time, a fair bit.


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