Friday, September 10, 2010

Marriage Tidbits, From Gary Chapman

Chapter 1: Being in love is not adequate for building a successful marriage
  • "Being in love is an emotional and obsessive experience. However, emotions change and obsessions fade. Research shows that the average lifespan of the 'in love' obsession is two years." 
  • "If the obsessive nature of the in-love euphoria extended for the next 20 years, few of us would accomplish our educational and vocational potential. When we are in love, the rest of the world doesn't matter."

Chapter 2: Romantic love has two stages

  • "The second stage of romantic love is much more intentional than the first stage. And yes, it requires work to keep romantic love alive."
  • "Seldom do a husband and wife have the same love language. Whatever makes us feel loved is what we do for the other person. But if it is not his/her language, it will not mean to them what it means to us."  

Chapter 3: "Like mother like daughter" and "Like father like son" are not myths
  • "I encourage couples to have enough exposure to each other's parents to know their personalities, communication patterns, values, and especially how they relate to each other This model greatly influenced the person you are dating."
  • "If a girl's mother is alcoholic, we know that statistically she is more likely to become an alcoholic. However, she is not destined to alcoholism. If she takes positive action . . . she can break the alcoholic chain."

Chapter 4:  How to solve disagreements without arguing
  • "Conflicts are not a sign that you have married the wrong person. They simply affirm that you are human."
  • "The key, of course, is creating a friendly atmosphere by listening to and affirming each other's perspective rather than accusations of illogical thinking."

Chapter 5:  Apologizing is a sign of strength
  • "After spending a lifetime counseling other couples, I am convinced that there are no healthy marriages without apology and forgiveness."
  • "What one person considers an apology is not what another person considers apology. Thus couples often miss each other in their efforts to apologize."

Chapter 6:  Forgiveness is not a feeling
  • "One evening, about six weeks after our wedding, Karolyn and I were engaged in a full-fledged argument. In the midst, she went to a closet, got her raincoat, slammed the front door and walked out into the pouring rain. My first thought was, "Why doesn't she stay and fight like a man?"
  • "When one of you speaks or behaves unkindly to the other, it calls for an apology and forgiveness if the relationship is to be restored."


  1. After almost 15 years of marriage I could not agree more with each point here.

    Great post :)


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