Do I continue working full-time (I work from home) or do I quit my job and be a wife and mama?
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
The Dilemma - SAHM vs WAHM
It seems that I'm faced with this dilemma every few months or so. The dilemma, of course, is self-imposed. But it's a dilemma nonetheless:
I'm fortunate enough to have a legitimate, full-time, work-from-home job. Pre-Ella, I loved my job. I think, deep down, I do still love my job. I just ... love Ella and love spending time with Ella more than I love my job, so it's hard to see it as still loving my job. If that makes any sense?
I'm fortunate enough to get paid very well for what I do. I'm fortunate enough to have flexible hours. As in, I make my own schedule and work whenever I want to work, as long as I get my 40+ hours in each week. I'm also fortunate enough to have a husband with an amazing schedule (ha! I say that right now - I'm sure you'll hear me complain about his schedule at some point soon) who is able to be home and take care of Ella while I'm in the home office, working. On the days that Mr. Lukie is at work (usually 10-12 days/month), Ella has a nanny who comes to the house and plays with her so that I can get five solid hours of work done.
It sounds like the ideal job for a mama with a little one. It's why I dropped the Nursing School path and accepted the job in the first place - we knew we wanted to start a family - and it afforded me the opportunity to contribute to the family, financially, as well as be at home with my baby(ies).
But now? Now I just feel like I'm barely staying afloat. I'm a mediocre wife, a mediocre mama, and a mediocre friend. Yet - I'm a stellar employee. It's just not right. It's not fair to my family that I give everything to the company, and they get whatever is left over. The only way my house stays clean and my dirty clothes don't pile up is because I pay someone to take care of that for me every week. Do you know how much I hate having someone else clean my house and do my laundry? Okay, maybe I don't hate it - it's nice! I'm blessed to be able to do so! - but, if it meant being a stellar wife and a stellar mama, if I cleaned my own house and did my own laundry? Call me Molly Maid.
I know I have what many consider a dream job. But my calling is to my family, and I feel a pull in that direction more and more with every passing month. I don't want to look back ten years from now and wish that I had spent more time with Ella when she was little. I've learned the hard way already that babies don't keep; I can't imagine how quickly toddlerhood is going to fly by.
I have the option to quit. Our livelihood does not depend on my income. It helps, and it's certainly nice, but thanks to Dave Ramsey and paying off our debt over three years ago, it's not necessary that I contribute financially.
So, tonight is another night where I am staring at the video monitor, watching my
baby toddler sleep peacefully in her crib. It's another night where I'm sitting behind the computer monitor, eating dinner and working away. Another night of facing this dilemma that seems to hang over me constantly these days.
It's time to make a decision, but I'm scared. I'm just waiting for a sign ...
at 8:39 PM